I like cars
as much as the next guy but that's not really true because I live in rural Iowa
and everyone is a verified car expert but me. Either way the only three things,
I know what to do: pump gas, turn the car on and brag about, how my car has V8.
I like how
driving cars is usually civilized, but the second one of us hits the highway,
it's an all-out war. I was driving on the interstate, when I saw a minivan,
passing people left in right. This wasn't your usually minivan, it was flashing
gold rims and was blaring rap music. I was thinking, “not going to get passed
by a ghetto van today”. So I sped up and I was going like 90 mph down the interstate
but then people started to pull over to side. Then out of nowhere the minivan
got pulled over because he was speeding right behind me. The lesson is always
be in front and don’t drive a vehicle with gold rims. Also having a car what
looks exactly like a cop car doesn’t hurt in a high speed minivan race.
I am weird
when it comes to parking. I can park somewhat decent if I park with two cars by
me, and, I can do it just fine. If I got no cars by me for scale, then my parking
job is going to be terrible. I can parallel park quite well. The the only
reason, I passed Drivers Ed, is because I aced the parallel parking portion
which counted for 40%. I even got a sarcastic award for "best parking
job". I don't want to brag but that's a pretty prestigious award.
My mom
always bragged about how my older brother and sister could change a tire at the
age of eight. It’s not that I don’t understand how, I am just not coordinated
to do it. Tires are from a distant land. Sure wheels were invented by cave men,
but I have never seen one change a tire.
Also on the
subject of tires. I was driving down the road when my tire popped. I knew
immediately something was wrong. I drove to my brother’s house and told him
what had happen. He told me to figure it out. Now, it was like negative ten
degrees outside because it’s winter in Iowa. So I was sitting out there digging
out my car out of the snow. When I pulled out this wrench thing. He told me
that this is what I needed, to undo the lug nuts. I said what lug nuts are. He
proceeded to go on a rant, for about 5 minutes about how our generation doesn’t
pay attention. I don’t know 100% of what he said but it started to blank out
for me. He said that I needed a jack and I said like a Lawrence, he didn’t get
it? I tried jacking the cop car up but it was buried in a bunch of snow. I eventually
just went back inside. Where Zander gave me some Yoda advice, on how to change
a tire but I failed, epically. Also trying to get a jack in the right place is
really hard, I don’t care who you are, it’s still impossible. After two hours I
gave up and ended up passing out on his couch. I then proceeded to have a scary
dream of car tires rolling after me and eating me with their rim mouth. I woke
up to find that the tire was changed with a post it note on it. It said “You
only get lucky once punk” –Zander. This
taught me that as long as you are completely incompetent at doing
something, your awesome brother who is coordinated will come and save you. The
real lesson is here, is be nice to your brother.
Driving has
its downfalls other. Like when you just want eat that last piece of pizza from Casey’s
while driving and shouldn’t but you do it anyway. You get all of the dirty
looks in the world, especially in a cop car. It’s really bad if you get in a
crash and you are totally going to get blamed. It’s fair, but come on bro, do
you not smell that “mazing” pizza sure is it going to kill me twenty years from
diabetes but it’s the best to me on this planet. So sorry I rammed into your
Prius but maybe if you didn’t buy a car that runs on the samething my Xbox
does, we wouldn’t be having this issue. The key in this scenario is two hope it’s
an out-of-towner and then give him that fake insurance you printed off week ago
from that sketchy website that Craig from accounting sent you too.
The morale
of story is that, just because you’re not a car guy doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate
the two ton mechanical horse we drive. We have fun with our cars whether were
going fast or listening to tunes. We love are cars no matter the shape or the
form. We wouldn’t be in the 21st century without them. Thanks Cars!
